Artist Competition

Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?

Bill: No? How did it turn out?

Bob: It was a draw.

Blondes and Apes

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?

A retarded ape.

Bar One Liners

Jesus Christ walks into a bar. He hands the bartender three nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A seal walked into a club.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road."

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The Bartender looks up an says ... "What, Is this some kind of a joke?"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer.................................................................................................................................................... and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka."

The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine."

The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like.

The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen."

These are not too new… but worth a laugh!

Q. what's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh " and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Know Men Better ...

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: Oh about 45 pounds.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.


Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.


Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."


Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.


Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.


Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Business one-liners

Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.

Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.

Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.

Quality assurance doesn't.

Quit while your still behind.

Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.

Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night.

One Liners (Jokes)

• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

• I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

• What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' " Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

• Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal

• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever! Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!

• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations--we' re doing everything we can to keep our marriage togeth

One liner jokes

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

Nice short ones

"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"

*

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

*

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects..

*

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter
speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

One Liner

Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

======================

Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

======================

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

======================

Funny Blonde 1 Liner

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

A: Because it said "Concentrate."

---------------------------------

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?

A: It has a stamp on it.

---------------------------------

Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
---------------------------------

Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen
to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
---------------------------------
What did the blonde ask her doctor
when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

---------------------------------
What did the blonde say
when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

---------------------------------
What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
---------------------------------

SOD

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and
yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in
a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled
"green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and
yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod
across the street.

---------------------------------
How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for french fries.
---------------------------------
Did you hear about the blonde that
shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

* * * * * * *

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

Spot.

* * * * * * *

What does a blonde make for dinner?

Reservations

Some Funny One Lines

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.

===========================================

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."

===========================================

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."

Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

===========================================

Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.

Doctor: Don’t worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it’s the turn of the 90 percent survivors.

===========================================

Officers at a military installation in U.S. were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.



Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."



The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"




"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

===========================================

A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."

James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it … I just can't!"

But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face.

Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"

Funny One Liner

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .

keep Smiling

Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House:

Married MEN Not Allowed.
We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy...

*****************************************

Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

*****************************************

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."


*****************************************

Funny Short Jokes

Teacher: "Everyone wirte your lover's name on a piece of paper."
Girls after 2 seconds: "Finished madam!!"
Boys after 10 Minutes: Extra Sheet madam!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar to his father: "Papa, maine shaadi kerni hai."
Papa: "Puter kidhay naal?"
Sardar: "Papa dadi ama day naal."
Papa: "Oye! O meri maa aye!"
Sardar: "Te tusi meri maa naal kyon kiti?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fat woman is waiting for a bus at a bus stop. How do you describe this is one word?
Answer: MOTIVATING!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sardar got an invitation to a party which said 'Red Tie Only." When he went to the party, he was surprised to see that other were wearing pants and shirts also.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 Kabutar ne sardar kay uper bitth kar di.
Sardar: "Oye teri maa ne tainu kacha pauna nahi sikhaya?"
Kabutar: "Saliya tu kacha pehan kay kerta hai?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sardar read the board on the road.
"Likhnay wala Brilliant, Parhnay wala Idiot."
Sardar angrily rubbed the board and wrote,
"Likhnay wala Idiot, Parhnay wala Brillant."

Funny One Liner

Guy.-Do u know, wen i was a kid many girls wanted to kiss me, i allowed, &
now, i want 2 kiss many girls, but they don't allow. SELFISH GIRLS



================================================


Height of Optimism... Soldier: "Sir, we are surrounded by the enemies",

SARDAR Major: "Excellent ! We can now attack in any direction" !.


================================================

What is the height of mixed emotions???
when ur mother in law falls from 7th floor on ur mercedes!!!!

================================================


Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.



================================================


Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his
examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

Quick Jokes

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.