All about Wives & Girlfriends...

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.


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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."


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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.


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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."


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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.


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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."


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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


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The Date

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

At the Front Door

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Someone may see

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

"No! I've said NO!"

"My love... Don't be like that..."

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Never force husband or boyfriend along for shopping

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:


Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning youand your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.


Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading tofeminine products aisle.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

>12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

The Door Bell

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.


As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.


With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"


Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"





"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.


"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"


"Oh come on!


There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".


"No way, it's just too risky!"


"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".


"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".


"Oh yes you can. Please?"


"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and


The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,


"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....


TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

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Dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s@x before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.


The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s@x.





The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.


The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.


A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

How To Surprise A Man

Three girl friends have met up for their weekly meal together and are discussing their relationships.

One of them is engaged, one is a mistress and the other is married.

They decide that to try and surprise their men that night
all three will dress up in a leather S&M style bodice, red stilettos and a mask.

The next week they meet up again and compare their experiences.

The engaged girl says, ‘The other night, when my fiance came home, he found me in the leather bodice, the high red stilettos and mask covering my eyes. As soon as he
saw me he grabbed me saying “I love you” and carried me upstairs where we made love all night.’

The mistress says, ‘I went up to my lover’s hotel room where he was waiting for me and knocked on the door. I was wearing the leather bodice, the red stilettos, and the mask, with my fur coat on top. When I entered the room and dropped my coat to the floor, he said “Wow” and we made love all night.

The married girl say ‘Hmmph, I got myself dressed up the same as you two, leather bodice, red stilettos and mask over my eyes and waited for my husband to get home from work.”

“He opened the door, came in and said “Evening Batman, what’s for dinner?”

The Smart Girls

He: Hi,didn’t we go on a date once? or was it twice ??
She: Must have been 1 i never make the same mistake twice

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He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry i'm having a headache this weekend

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He: Go on dont be shy ask me out
She: Okay GET OUT

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He: I think i can make you very happy
She: why ???????? are you leaving ??!!??!

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He: What would you say if i ask you to marry me
She: Nothing i cant laugh and talk at the same time

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He: Can i have your name??
She: Why dont you have your own

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He: Where have you been all my life ??
She: Hiding from YOU

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He: Have i seen you somewhere ????????
She: Ya thats why i dont go there anymore

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He: Can i buy you a drink
She: Actually i rather have the money

Before the marriage

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom upwards ( without reading the last line ) . . .

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND

1. You can stare at any Girl.......

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2. You don't have to spend money on her.

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3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.

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4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

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5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.

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6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.

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7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.

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8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.

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9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.

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10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.

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11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.

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12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.

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13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.

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14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.

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15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.

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16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.

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17. No nonstop nonsense.

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18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.

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19. No tension.

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20. You can be "urself"

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21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....

Funny Love Letter from HR to his Girlfriend

To,
Juliet Grade 7.0 S.M

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you
since the 14th of October (Saturday). With reference to the meeting held
between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as
prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months
and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon
completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and
performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to
spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially
be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might
take up a larger! share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough
to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further
notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister,
if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!!!!
Thanking you in anticipation,

Regards,
XYZ

Girls r Intelligent

So intelligent the girls are!

One day, a girl, 16yrs old, heared from
her mother that if she will do a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine
"Devi" will come to her dreams give her 3 boons(Varadaan). So she
decided to do it. She completed 4 yrs successfully, doing prayer
regularly. Now it was a day for "Devi" to come. So she slept earlier
with thoughts in her mind to ask. And, really a "Devi" comes in her
dreams. Now this is the dialogue between them.

Devi: O Girl, you
prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I am very very happy with
you. I will complete any of your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you
like, but there is one condition.

Girl: Condition!, what is
that?

Devi: You have a boy-friend?

Girl: Yes.

Devi: When you
were doing a prayer, he was waiting for you, so he also sacrificed same
as you. Moreover, he didnt know anything about boon and all, so he is
also eligible for the boons. So whatever you will ask, he will get 10
times more than that of you.
If you are agreed, then proceed for the
1st boon.

Girl: (After thinking for some time ... ): Yes, I am
ready.

Girl: 1st, Make me 10 times richer than the richest person in
the world.

Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than
you.

Girl: It's OK.

Devi: Be as you wish!

Girl: 2nd, Make me
10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in the
world.

Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the
most handsome boy in the world.

Girl: It's OK.

Devi: Be as you
wish.

Devi: Now the last boon remains.

Girl: O Devi, please give
me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.

Devi: What? Are you sure!

Girl: Yes. Very
sure!

Devi: Be as you wish. Think friends, what happened to her
boy-friend, he got a severe
heart-attack died at once, while the girl
remained alive. Thus, the girl became the world's most beautiful girl
and the richest one, too.

Moral of the story: So intelligent the
girls are! Girls are really more intelligent than we believe about them
to be. So be careful boys!
Now, girls please stop reading ... boys
continue till the end of the mail
.....
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Boys, actually what happenned is something different than what
you all think!
Actually, the girl's boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10
TIMES MILDER than that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than
the girl, being world's richest and the most handsome boy.

Moral of
the story: Dear boys, the girls are not really that much intelligent
than what we believe them to be. So dont worry if you think that you
have girl-friend, intelligent than you.

Clever Girls

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"

The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

Best Break-Up Letter Ever

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............



The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:


Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

BASTARD

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

What is ABCDEFG?









A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!







But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)








Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool

1. You can stare at any Girl.......

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2. You don't have to spend money on her.

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3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.

*************

4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

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5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.

*************

6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.

*************

7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.

*************

8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.

*************

9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.

*************

10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.

*************

11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.

*************

12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.

*************

13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.

*************

14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.

*************

15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.

*************

16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.

*************

17. No nonstop nonsense.

*************

18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.

*************

19. No tension.

*************

20. You can be "urself"

*************

21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....


*************

Not Communicative Type

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

Joe's Date...

Joe met a nice girl who worked for at carnival. They quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited Joe to her house.

When he got there, he noticed a few strange things. First, he noticed that her hallway was filled with those "funny mirrors" that make you look tall and skinny, or short and fat.

He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy toys.

That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on the bed. He screwed the ever-lovin' daylights out of her, and when he was done, he asked, "So,... how was it?"

And she said, "You can have anything from the bottom shelf, unless you want to try again and win something from the middle shelf!"