A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

Adventurous Dining

A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.

After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Doll Secretary

A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day.
The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll." Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."
The daughter thinks for a minute and then replies, "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down."

Strange Medical Condition ..

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once
more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped
your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "yes..... Pepper."

An Old Man

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.

He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact,

I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you

think of that !!!"



The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story.



I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season.

But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs

his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a

giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points

at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him.

What do you think of that??"



The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that

bear!"



"EXACTLY" says the doctor.