In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Monday, September 21, 2009
VERY INTERESTING STUFF
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Installing a Husband !!!!!
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as :
· NBA 5..0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4..1 ..
Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE ,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update..
· If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 ..
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Friday, December 5, 2008
Congratulations
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,
if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Prostitute Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"
Proxy Shooting
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am,' he said, I have come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -- when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes,' the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon Camera on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
country doctors
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sickto my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on thefloor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
The Plumber on Run
A man knocked the door of house. The lady opened the door.
The man said, "I am the here on the run, to fix your leaky pipe."
The Lady said, "We don't have any leaky pipe here."
The plumber on run, says, "My note reads, your house called for a Plumbing Emergency, address looks exact, Aren't you Mrs. Mathur?"
The Lady says, "No, Mathurs moved away about a year back from this house. We are Sharmas."
The plumber grimaces, "What kind of people are they, Calls for an Emergency repair and then move away."
Wasted Suicide
A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.
A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.
She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.
The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."
The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."
The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."
Deal Under the Table
A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice.
They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.
Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.
The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.
However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.
The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."
The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Idiot Test
Questions:
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
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Want the Answers : ?
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ANSWERS:
1. yes (they also have a 3rd of July, a 2nd of July, etc...)
2. one a year
3. all months have (at least) 28 days
4. the beggar is the woman's sister
5. because he is living
6. 6 (3 per side)
7. no. the man would be dead
8. they are not playing each other
9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60)
10. white. (the bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole)
11. 2 (you just took 2 apples)
12. a fifty cent piece, and a nickel (one is not a nickel, but the other one is)
13. light the match first
14. half way (then he would be running out)
15. one hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more half hour)
16. 9 (all but 9 die...)
17. none. Moses was not on the ark
18. he weighs meat
19. 12
20. Bill Clinton
Umbrella Thief
A man gave all of his seven umbrellas for repair at one time and told the shopkeeper he would pick it up in the evening while back from work.
On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, got up and started walking.
The woman started yelled, "Umbrella thief, Umbrella thief."
The embarrassed guy returned the umbrella and apologized, before getting abused and beaten up by other woman loving passengers.
In the evening he picked up all his umbrellas repaired, put them under his arms and started walking towards home. Unfortunately the morning lady returning from work bumped into him.
The lady commented, "Seems, you had a profitable day at work today."
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Riddles
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it? : A secret.
The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it? : Darkness
What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it? You can't buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library. : A telephone book.
What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets? : A chalkboard
What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen again for 4,000 years? : The year 1961 can be read upside down and that won't happen again until 6009!
What has no beginning, end, or middle? : A doughnut.
What has to be broken before it can be used? : An egg.
What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose? : Work - Employment
How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick? : Only one, the last one.
What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else? : Your mind.
Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can't fill it up. What is it? : A kitchen strainer.
What goes up and never comes down? : Your age.
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? : To cover cows.
What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and put in tarts? : Rhubarb.
What has feet and legs, and nothing else? : Stockings
What is the moon worth? : $1, because it has 4 quarters.
What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks? : A candle.
What stays where it is when it goes off? : An alarm clock
You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, 'til you call me again. What am I? : An echo
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.
6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. Its best to have a soft place to land.
8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.
God - What a mess!!
When God gave out brains,
I thought He said trains,
And I said I'd take the next one.
When God gave out looks,
I thought He said books,
And I didn't want any.
When God gave out noses,
I thought He said roses,
And I ordered a big one.
When God gave out legs,
I thought He said kegs,
So I ordered two fat ones.
When God gave out ears,
I thought He said beers,
So I ordered two long ones.
When God gave out chins,
I thought He said gins,
So I said, "Give me a double."
God, am I a mess!!
Why Wedding Dress is always WHITE
Son asked his mother:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white
cup of tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?"
