Brilliant ways! How Girls turn Guys down!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Because i am a women

Because I am a woman
I am different from a man. We may look like the same species, but there are different “rules” for each of us.


Because I am a woman,
I need to spend 20 minutes outlining my lips before I put on lipstick. Even though you say I have a big mouth, my lips are too thin.

My hair is too flat/curly/dark/light/wavy. Whatever my hair looks like, I want it to be the opposite. My eyes are too small, and my skin is too blotchy.

Thus, all of the time I spent in bathroom getting ready to go out is an essential part of my routine. I need all this make-up so that other woman will think I am naturally pretty.


Because I am a woman,
I will get up at 6:30 in the morning to go shopping if the store is having a sale. It doesn’t matter that I don’t need any new clothes, there are on SALE . Besides, I have 3 kinds of clothes in my closet.

There are “fat” clothes for my PMS (that’s pre menstrual Syndrome) days, “dressy” clothes for the dancing I keep asking you to take me, and “thin” clothes, that I will never get into in again without liposuction. I will, however, keep all the “thin” clothes, because tomorrow I am going on a diet. Therefore I need exercise clothes too. It takes a lot of shopping to fill up so much closet space.


Because I am a woman,
I need many shoes. Work shoes, dress shoes, three kind of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers, open toed shoes. I need high heeled shoes mid heeled shoes, low heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe (see above).


Because I am a woman,
I will get annoyed if you come to me and announce that there is no food in the house. In all likelihood there is plenty of food. I am not falling for the trick and making you a sandwich.

However, I will stand in front of my full closet and complain that I have nothing to wear. This is not the same thing.


Because I am a woman,
I will spend hours on the phone with my friends, even if I just saw my best friend today, I need to call and tell her who is on Oprah.

Especially if it is Danzel Washington .


Because I am a woman,
I will talk about you to my friends. We will discuss your underwear, your bathroom habits, and your childhood. However, if you even mention my middle name to your friends I will be angry.


Because I am a woman,
I need to talk about “the relationship” far more than you do. I will pick the worst possible time (when your favorite soccer team Arsenal is at most scoring their 1st goal against Manchester United) and say “Hon, we need to talk“. If you ask to wait until the game is over, you will find your self sleeping on the couch.


Because I am a woman,
I will have mood swings. PMS is a medical condition. So, when I scream at you and call you an SOB and then cry and want to cuddle within an hour, I am not crazy. I am a woman.


Because I am a woman,
I have strange eating habits. I will order only salads on our first date, and lobster after we married.

I will buy candy bars and washed them down with diet soda. I will put artificial sweetener in my double _mocha latte (only served at java coffee house). And any food eaten while cooking does not count as food.


Because I am a woman,
I expect to have “girl’s night out” once in a while. If you want to go bowling with the boys, I will pout and ask why you don’t want to be with me.

I will then assume that there is a problem with the “the relationship” and will want to talk about it before you leave.


Because I am a woman,
when you invite a guys over to watch football I will make hors d’oeuvres. If you want pizza bites. If you want dip, I will shape it into a football. Woman liked shaped food.


Because I am a woman,
it is ok for me to ogle a mans butt. Especially if it is Denzel Washington. But if you so much as you turn your eyeballs in the direction of a pretty woman, I will be furious. It is not the same thing.


Because I am a woman,
I will huge a woman I hate, tell an ugly woman she looks beautiful, and ask my fat friends if they have lost weight. Therefore, if you hug me I think you want hanky panky, if you tell me I look good, I think you are lying; and if you tell me I’m not fat I will cry.


Because I am a woman,
and this the new millennium, even if I make more money than you, I still expect you to buy dinner, open doors and marmalade jars for me.

But call me “honey” and I’ll tell you that you are a sexiest pig. Unless, off course, you are Denzel Washington.

Is windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

Men writing the rules

If Men were to rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

UNEMPLOYED

An unemployed worker applies at Microsoft for the position of a janitor.


The HR chief invites him to an interview and subjects him to some tests.


Then he tells him: You got the job, just give me your e-mail address so that I can send you the employment contract as well as the day and time when to start.


The man is distraught and answers that he has no computer and therefore also no e-mail.


The HR boss tells him that if he has no e-mail address he virtually does not exist and therefore cannot hold a job.


The man leaves in a desperate mood without knowing what to do with his last $10 in his pocket. Finally he decides to go into a supermarket and to buy a 10 lb box of strawberries.


He starts out with door to door calls in order to sell those strawberries by the pound. He manages to double his capital in 2 hours. He repeats the deal 3 times more and goes home with $60 in his pocket.


He comes to see that he can survive this way. He starts every day earlier and comes home every day later. So he triples or quadruples his money every day.


A short time later he buys a wheel barrow, then exchanges it later into a truck and sooner or later is the owner of a complete fleet of delivery trucks.


5 year go by…


The man is now the owner of one of the largest food chain in the USA


Now he starts thinking about the future for him and his family and decides to buy a life insurance. He calls an agent and selects a good policy. At the end of the negotiations the agents asks him for his e-mail address to send him a confirmation of the policy.


The man tells him that he doesn't have an e-mail address! That is strange, says the agent, you have no e-mail and nevertheless you built this large empire. Can you imagine where you would be if you you had an e-mail address.


The man briefly thinks and then answers: I WOULD BE A TOILET CLEANER AT MICROSOFT!

Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People, this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company's mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Study conducted by UCLA

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

Lost Hat

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Kiss that frog

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a commercial real estate agent who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a real estate agent!”

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a real estate agent!”

Parrot Boy

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing. He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up with red, green,& yellow with feathers.

The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, “Hey, old man, what are you lookin’ at,eh? Didn’t you do anything strange when you were a teenager?”

“Well, yeah,” the old man answered. “I flunked school, fed my acne treatment to a hamster and once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can’t help but think that maybe you’re my son.

How can one woman satisfy 12 men?

Food and Heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. You don’t even need any phentermine or any other diet pills! This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

If you thought Men and Women shower the same way …

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror–make mental note: must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave
on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second
towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the
“woo-woo” sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the
size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower and kick any shower chairs out of the way.

5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower).

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the “woo-woo” sound again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed again

Happy Birthday Dear

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday, shall I get you a dress, a gift basket or something different?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald’s they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”

One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually I meant dress size.”

The Basic Laws of Work that everyone should understand!

* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


* Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

* It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

* The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

* When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

* Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

* Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a office party.

* To err is human, to forgive is not our office policy.

* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

* At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

* Following the rules will not get the job done, but getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

* The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Any good at chess?

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen, do you give him pet supplements or any special training?”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

Resume Errors

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct errors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Supermarket

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Love v/s Marriage!

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.



Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.


Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.


Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.


Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.


Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.


TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.


Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".


Conclusion: "Love is blind , Marriage is an eye opener!"