Every married man's real agony

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Rubber and stick

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

More on Marriage

Having come home unexpectedly, Louis found his wife in the arms of his best friend.
His wife scowled at him over the friend's shoulder and said, Uhoh! Here comes Mr. Big Mouth! Now the whole neighborhood will know."

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Louis, having come home to find his wife in the arms of another man, was stricken to the heart.
"Darling," he said, more in sorrow than in anger, "how can you treat me so? Have I ever deprived you of anything? Have I ever begrudged you your slightest wish? Have I ever in any way mistreated you? Have I not in everything thought of you, bent all my efforts... And you, you dirty bum, at least leave her alone while I'm talking to her."

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Louis, having come home to find his wife in the arms of another man, rushed out of the room, crying, "I'm getting my shotgun."
His wife dashed after him despite her unclothed state. She seized him and shouted, "You fool! What are you getting excited about? It was my lover who paid for the new furniture we recently got. My new clothes, the extra money you thought I earned sewing, all the little luxuries we've been able to buy----all came from him."
But Louis wrenched away and continued up the stairs.
"No shotgun, Louis," wailed his wife.
"What shotgun?" called back Louis. "I'm getting a blanket. That poor fellow will catch cold lying there like that."

Silver Jubilee

On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh, it's not over yet." He said.

Once home, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and inside are two small tablets.

She asked, "But what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin." The man replied.

"But, I don't have a headache." She said.

"There you go, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!" he snidely said.

Marital Woes

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.


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Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.


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Q: Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

A: It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!


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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


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It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered


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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.


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Galfriends r like chocolates,
Taste gud anytime.

Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Wife r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice


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Man receives telegram: Wife dead body should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.


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Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.


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Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!


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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.


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Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!


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Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!


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