Jewish Frugality

One afternoon, an Inland Revenue Tax Inspector visited the Rabbi of a Synagogue to audit the accounts. When he had finished checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and observed:

“I couldn’t help noticing that you buy rather a lot of candles, Mr Berman”.
“This is a Synagogue,” replied the Rabbi, dryly.
“So what do you do with all the candle drippings?”, asked the Tax Inspector, hoping to catch the Rabbi out.
“We save them up and when we have enough, I send them back to the candle-makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of Votive candle holders or candles.”

The Tax Inspector was visibly disappointed by the Rabbi’s clever answer but was determined to catch him out.
“I see…” he continued obnoxiously, pointing to an entry in the bought ledger. “So what about all these Matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from all these Matzos, eh?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi smoothly, rubbing his hands on one of his nfl jerseys, “Didn’t I show you the crumb box?”
“No.”
“Well, we collect up all the crumbs from the Matzos and put them in a special crumb box. When we have enough we send the box back to the Bakers and every now and then they send us a free pack of Matzos.”

“Bugger!” muttered the Tax Inspector under his breath. He was completely taken aback and racked his brains for anything that would catch the slippery Rabbi out. Finally, he jabbed his finger at the ledger triumphantly. “I see you carry out a great many circumcisions here, Mr Berman.”
“This is a Synagogue,” replied the Rabbi. “What did you expect - breast enlargements?”
“Then perhaps you’d care to explain what you do with all the foreskins?”, continued the Tax Inspector relentlessly.

“That’s easy”, replied the Rabbi. “We save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we send them to the Inland Revenue”.
“The Inland Revenue?” repeated the Tax Inspector in disbelief.
“Who else would send us a little prick like you once a year?”

Thank God for Those Italians

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

The Jewish Samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

Give me a break

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,

"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

The American continued,

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"

Pathan Joke

80,000 Pathans meet in the Peshawar Stadium for a "Pathans Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Pathans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A Pathan works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 PAthans start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"


The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the pathan starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 pathans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

From Black to White

Two Pakie's see an advertisement in a window, reading "be white for $10" . They both want to become white as they believe they will no longer be subject to racial abuse.

As only one of them has any money, he agrees to try it and if it's good, he'll lend the other Pakie $10. He goes into the shop, while the other waits outside. After an hour or so, the Pakie who went to have is skin changed to white comes out looking really good and white.

The other Pakie then says "wow that really worked, can you lend me $10 so I can be white as well".

His friend turns round and says "get lost you Pakie" and walks off.

From Black to White

Two Pakie's see an advertisement in a window, reading "be white for $10" . They both want to become white as they believe they will no longer be subject to racial abuse.

As only one of them has any money, he agrees to try it and if it's good, he'll lend the other Pakie $10. He goes into the shop, while the other waits outside. After an hour or so, the Pakie who went to have is skin changed to white comes out looking really good and white.

The other Pakie then says "wow that really worked, can you lend me $10 so I can be white as well".

His friend turns round and says "get lost you Pakie" and walks off.