Installing a Husband !!!!!

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

· NBA 5..0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4..1 ..

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update..
· If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 ..
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

cup of tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.


I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.


Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.


Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.


My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.


Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Brilliant ways! How Girls turn Guys down!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.


Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."


So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00."

incurably fuuny

patient- please doctor help me. i have been stung by a bee.

doctor- dont worry . i will put some cream on it.

pat..-you will never find the bee. it must be miles away by now.

doc..- no no please understand. i will put some cream on the place u were stung.

pat..-oh! it happened in the garden where i was sitting under a tree.

doc..- u #$%&! i mean in which part of the body did the bee sting.

pat..- it stung me on my finger.

doc..- which one?

pat..-how am i to know? all the bees look the same to me

Rehearsal

A blonde, June, goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.


The girl, June, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:


1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down inbetween your legs, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONLY ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!' .

Milk

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.


The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".


The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a whitemustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".


The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."

Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Men writing the rules

If Men were to rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Slow Turtle

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

Artist Competition

Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?

Bill: No? How did it turn out?

Bob: It was a draw.

All Lies

Ram and Sham were talking together

RAM:do you drink?
SHAM:no,no at all.
RAM:do you smoke?
SHAM:no,not at all.
RAM:do you do anything which is not socially acceptable?
SHAM:yes,I just tell lies.

Holy Killer

A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?"

A Woman with Her Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Rug Burned

carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

An Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquirer about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

Fire Away

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

How to ride the train for free

Three engineers and three accountants wre traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

'How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".