Indian - American

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood;

His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.


Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.

When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.


The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man.

"I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .


The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.

American accent

An Indian lady (NRI) returned from the US to India and is window shopping in Delhi.

Suddenly she realizes she is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees a small shop on the roadside and asks in a very American accent of the sardar owner "What's the time?"


The sardar is a very patriotic man and hates desis / Indians with a foreign accent. He replies back in the same accent, "Bra-panties."


Confused the lady asks again, "No! No! What's the time?"

The sardar again answers back, in the same accent, "Bra-panties."


Seeing the confusion between the two, another sardar comes to the rescue of the lady and says, "O papaji, tusi samajh nahin paaye"" Kudi twade kol puuch rahii haigayee!!"


The angry sardar shouts back at him, "Tow main bhi to oonoo time hee bata rahan hai– barah panthis (12.35) !!!"

Only in America

Only In America... can pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only In America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only In America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only In America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only In America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only In America...do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only In America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have Call Waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only In America...do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only In America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tic" meaning "bloodsucking" creatures.

Only In America...do they have driveup ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Only In America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in a White House.

Why the US is in crisis...???

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'


A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

The things that prove you're a New Yorker....

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means
Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5. The subway makes sense.
6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
7. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
8. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
9. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
10. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
11. You think Central Park is "nature."
12. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
13. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and
you think it's a "steal."
14. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the
U.S. pay in rent.
16. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you
went away to camp as a kid.
17. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
18. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
19. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
20. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
21. You take fashion seriously.
22. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
23. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
24. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
25. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
26. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
27. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
28. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your
toes.
29. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
30. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
31. You don't hear sirens anymore.
32. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality
and what it's doing to your lungs.
33. You live in a building with a larger population than most American
towns.
34. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is
Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your
favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the
watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

The Clintons go on holiday

Last summer, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to check on their shipping boxes and fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”

She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would have been President of the United States.”

US Budget

Cleaning out the aviary at the zoo...

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have dropped dead from old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps that have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not" he says as he puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals in the sack, into the lions' cage.
"Bloody hell" roars the lion..."Not finch and chimps again!"

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park.

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.

"I hope you won't mind my asking," Said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"

"Well," replied the Canadian gentleman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?" The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'

Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"

1.You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein

2.Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

3.North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium

4.Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"

5.You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing
cards

6.You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"

7.Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets

9.You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"

10.Simon beats you with the microphone stand

11.Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask

The Letter

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."

I'm Better Than You

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"

How many American tourists does it take ...

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

A Battle-Weary American

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

Only In America

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.