Men's advice to women

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.
5. Sunday = TV Sports.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. You have too many shoes.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Simple "yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
18. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
19. You have enough clothes.
20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.

A husband with a computer addiction

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this email communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your laptop computer is booting.

Love,
Your Wife

How To Appease The I.T. Dept.

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Wikipedia Logo

You always wondered how was created the Wikipedia logo ?

Easy: You take the Star Wars Death Star. You add some “alphabet soup” and a puzzle.
You divide the result by an encyclopedia and don’t forget the “www”.









For those who still do not know Wikipedia (The biggest encyclopedia of the world, completely free), here is the official site: www.wikipedia.org

Pickup Lines For Computer Geeks

- Nice Set of Floppies!

- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

- I'd like to play on your laptop.

- Need me to unzip your files?

- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!

- I'd like to boot up your PC!

- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!

- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...

- Your homepage or mine?

Computer Lies

If you have any problems, just call us.

What you see on the screen, you get on paper when you print.

Someone must have erased my files.

They don't make those chips anymore.

If kids use them, so can adults.

Oh yeah, it's compatible with everything.

You won't need any special training.

There's no harm in trying - nothing can go wrong.

It's the fastest model out there.

The manual explains everything.

Yes, this notebook is incredibly light weight.

Wedding Query..( SQL Style)

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25),
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN

SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 10 AND
HouseStatus = 'ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having
Brothers = Null AND Sisters = Null

SELECT Gold, Cash, Car, BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW') END GO

Then the Bride writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

DON'T MARRY A SOFTWARE GAL

Never marry a "TESTING" girl since she always DOUBTS U .


Never marry a "DATABASE" girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.


Never marry a "C" girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.


Never marry a "C++" girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.


Never marry a "JAVA" girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.


Never marry a "VB" girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.


Never marry a "UNIX" girl ,she always dump u with a CORE.


Never marry a "PASCAL" girl ,she always scolds u as RASCAL.


Never marry a "COBOL" girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.


Never marry a "NETWORK" girl since she may be very go