Laughter is the best medicine

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house
and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would
I get into Heaven?"



"No!" the children all answered.



"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat
and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"



Again the answer was "No!"



"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"



A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"


An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his
collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.



He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then
followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the
corner and fell asleep.



An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.



The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed
his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.



This continued off and on for several weeks.



Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the
owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost
every afternoon your dog comes

to my house for a nap.'



The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar: 'He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife,
he's trying to catch up on his sleep. .....Can I come with him tomorrow?








"Now, Joseph," said the teacher to the aggressive youngster, "what do you
think your classmates would think of you if you were always kind and
polite?"



"They'd think they could beat me up," promptly responded Joseph.










All the worries get initiated with "W"...



Who?

Why?

What?

When?

Which?

Whom?

Where?

War...

Wine...

Whisky...

Women...

Wealth...



And finally .......

agreeable or not......

WIFE...









A wife was making a breakfast for her husband.



Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.



'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'



The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'



The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving.'

Proxy Shooting

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am,' he said, I have come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -- when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes,' the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon Camera on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Shameless Visitor

The Grandmother of a just got married American Desi phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.

The delighted Grandma Desi started giving instructions how to come to their high rise Desi colony retirement Apartment.


She started blabbering, “When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule, My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow, I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.

You will hear the pi……pi buzz. You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.


Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter. Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor. Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you."


The polite grand son said, “Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry. But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow."


The Grandma Desi yelled, “What? Shameless, you are coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?"

My Friend Circle

Ballo Prasad Yadav came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Rabri, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Rabri snapped.

Super Computer

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

Cold Water

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend.

He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.


He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.


The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"Clean as cold water can get it" was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.


As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

"Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!" shouted the old man from inside.

the donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

Generation Gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.


"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.


"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and..."


...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little shit - what are you doing for the next generation?"

Your Daughter is Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"


The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

The Taxi Driver

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.


'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

Halloween Special

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another false one and stayed put. But he suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Hehehehe... Wish you a Happy Halloween!!

MEXICAN DELICACY

An american was touring Mexico. After his day's sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?"


The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!"


The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."

MIND YOUR "ASS" ONLY

The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the raceagain, and it won again.

The local paper read : PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered thepastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read : BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid ofthe donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The localpaper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day : NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid ofthe donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paperread : NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back thedonkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day theheadlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer ! Have a great day!

Meaning of Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.



‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”



I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.



“And what do you deduce from that?”



Watson ponders for a minute.



“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.



“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”



Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

New Jersey Hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?"

African Safari

On an African Safari, the native guide was asked how to keep from being attacked by wild animals at night.

"Just carry a lighted torch. " He suggested.

"Does that really work?" the questioner persisted.

"It depends" said the guide, "On how fast you carry it."

Fallen

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

Industrial Spy

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."