Celebries Redifined

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. How come Mike Tyson�s eye's water during sex?
A. Mace

Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!

Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.

Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.

Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"

Funny Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention

"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" –at the Republican convention

"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." –describing Democratic lawmakers in California

"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." –on the dangers posed by gay marriage

"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." –announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"

"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento." –on "The Tonight Show"

"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people."

"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic job!"

"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic views

"Don't worry about that." -on the environment

"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."

"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this — to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to a woman — she's a machine! We could get away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group." -describing a scene in "Terminator 3"

"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him." –speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group

"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." –in an interview with Esquire

"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."

"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel like I'm coming all day."

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."

"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."

"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during that period." -on the Clinton impeachment

"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."

"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out

"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." –on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war criminal

"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." –in a 1990 interview with U.S. News

"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." –in the 1977 film "Pumping Iron"

Celebrity Caricature

Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson

Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to "just beat it" one too many times.

He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.

Tough Job

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."

Slut of Melbourne

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."