Great Sayings On Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette
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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
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The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
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George Carlin Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?


23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Famous Funny Quotes . . .

-- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance - Oscar Wilde

-- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Edison

-- Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill

-- The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson

-- Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together. - Georg Lichtenberg

-- If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

-- As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. Socrates

-- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

-- Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. Mae West

-- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde

-- An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Gandhi

-- He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tsu

-- Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Billy Rose

-- A rich man's joke is always funny. Proverb

-- Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Cordel Hull

-- When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan Thomas

-- I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Winston Churchill

-- Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William Shakespeare

-- A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde

-- There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Benjamin Franklin

Famous Funny Quotes . . .

-- I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain

-- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. - Karl Wallenda

-- Well done is better than well said. - Benjamin Franklin

-- There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. - Oscar Wilde

-- You must believe in free will; there is no choice. - Isaac Bashevis Singer

-- Be sincere; be brief; be seated. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

-- Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

-- From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Sir Winston Churchill

-- When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run. - Abraham Lincoln

-- You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. - Abraham Lincoln

-- A camel is a horse designed by committee. -Sir Alec Issigonis

-- Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open. - Sir James Dewar

-- Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill. - Danish proverb

-- Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. - Samuel Butler

-- If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Anatole France

-- Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. - Voltaire

-- A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost

-- The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment. - T. H. White

-- It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney

-- What orators lack in depth they make up for in length. - Charles de Secondat

-- Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. - Plato

-- 640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates

Bachelor vs. Marriage

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!--Anonymous

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. --Oscar Wilde

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. --Anonymous

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. --H. L. Mencken

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. --Anonymous

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new. --Anonymous

When a man is single, he's incomplete. When he's married, he's finished. --Anonymous

Marriage Quotes

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.

There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Long Live Bachelors

Every man should get married some time; after all,

happiness is not the only thing in life !!

--Anonymous
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed.

It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.

--Sam Kinison
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Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:

either the car is new or the wife.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.


--Anonymous
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I asked my wife, " Where do you want to go for our
anniversary ?" She said," Somewhere I have never been !"

I told her,
" How about the kitchen ?"

--Anonymous
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

______________________

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

--Anonymous
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous
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Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."

--Anonymous
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"





The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before.

For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"



The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

--Anonymous

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The

husband was stunned for a while but then smiled

" It really works ! "