Sarcasm Quotes @ its best:

-Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

-If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

-Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

-If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

-If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

-Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.(heheheheehe)

-If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

-If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

-If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

-Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

-Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

-Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much tax on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

-Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.

-Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost-of-living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Sarcastic Quotes

--No one is a virgin, the world screws us all"

--Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"

--I tried sniffing coke, but the Ice Cubes got stuck in my nose

--If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."

--"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

--"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."-

--I have never let my schooling interfere with my education

--My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

--Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

--I'm not anti-social, I just don't like you"

--"Don't talk to me, when I'm talking to myself"

--"Home isn't where the heart is, home is a place you go where they have to let you in"

--"We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus"

--"You can't make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them & hope they panic & give in."

--"You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think."

--"We are responsible 4 what we do unless we are celebrities."

More Sarcastic Quotes . . .

"The people you care most about in life are taken from u 2 soon & all the less important ones never go away."

-- "I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy".

-- We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies

-- "Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic."

-- I'm not a tease, Im just a reminder of what you can't have

-- If it doesn't fit force it, if it breaks it needed replaced anyway**

-- "I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock!"

-- The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it

-- "A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it."

-- "An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble."

-- "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

-- "Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."

-- "Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways."

-- You know what they say: A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down but what if you're diabetic?."

-- "I don't want to achieve immortality thru my work. I want to achieve immortality thru not dying"

-- Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

-- The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do

-- Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.

-- None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.

-- I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

-- A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.

-- Either the wallpaper goes or I do

More Sarcastic Quotes . . .

-- Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back

-- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research

-- A day without sunshine is like night.

-- Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.

-- Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

-- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-- If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

-- Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

-- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

-- A metaphor is like a simile.

-- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

-- Roses are red, Violets are blue, Some poems rhyme.

-- Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

-- Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies."

-- It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future."

-- Life is hard. Its even harder if youre stupid."

-- "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

-- "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

-- "Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes."

-- I wanna be different just like everyone else

-- Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

-- It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt

-- I believe that imagination is more important than knowledge.

-- You can't argue with a sick mind

-- A man is not complete until he is married... Then he's finished

-- You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

-- My boyfriend said; "If you loved me you wouldn't drink so much", I said; "If I didn't drink so much I probably wouldn't love you."

-- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?