The ABC’s Of Ex-Wives

A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.

B is for Balls … which are now ours again.

C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.

D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.

E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.

F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.

G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.

H is for House … which the bitch also got.

I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.

J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.

K is for Kids … the best of everything.

L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.

M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!

N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.

O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.

P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”

Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.

R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.

S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.

T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.

U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.

V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.

W is for Wrong … which you always were.

X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!

Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.

Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.