Software Engineer

Conversation between a software engineer and his wife


Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card,
i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to
Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - i will go to my dad�s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will
Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer


A Microsoft technican


One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.

He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"


Bill Gates & GM vs Microsoft

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you have would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.


A perfect Software Engineer

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.

The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!".

The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!".

The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, It might work...".


Software development cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free



wah ..!!kya bat



# Local variable
Mein pal do pal ka shayar hoon, pal do pal meri kahani hai pal do pal meri hasti hai..

# Global variable
Main har ik pal ka shayar hoon har ik pal meri kahani hai har ik pal meri hasti hai

# Null pointers
Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya.

# Dangling pointers
Maut bhi aati nahi jaan bhi jati nahin.

# Goto
Ajeeb dastan hai yeh Kahan shuru kahan khatam Ye manzilen hain kaun si Na woh samajh sake na hum

# Two Recursive functions calling each other
Mujhe kuchh kehna hein mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein Pehle tum, pehle tum.

# The debugger
Jab koi baat bigad jaye Jab koi mushkil pad jaye Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz.

# From VC++ to VB
Yeh haseen vaadiyan Yeh khula asmaan Aa gaye hum kahan.

# Untrackable bug
Aye ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi, awaaz de kahin se.

# Unexpected bug (esp during presentation to client)
Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyon hua.

# And then to the client
Jab hua, Tab hua, O chhodo, ye na socho.

# Load Balancing
Saathi haath badhana ek akela thak jayega mil kar bojh uthana

# Modem ( modem talk on a busy connection) suno - kaho,kaha - suna,kuch huwa kya? abhee to nahin..

# Windows getting open sourced
Parde mein rahne do parda na uthao parda jo uth gaya to bhed khul jayeha allah meri tauba, allah meri tauba

AND SOME FILMS
# ESC : NO DO GYARA
# F1 : GUIDE
# UNDO : AA AB LAUT CHALE
# SYSTEM WHOSE OS IS DOS : BUDHA MIL GAYA
# SOFTWARE & HARDWARE : EK DUJE KE LIYE
# ALT+CNTR+DEL : AAKHARI RASTA
# HARD DISK & FLOPPY : GHARWALI BAHERWALI
# RAM : KORA KAGAZ
# C++ & C : BADEMIYA CHOTEMIYA