Men & Women

Differences between Men and Women
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct: They want to be a man's last romance.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. No use in two people remembering the same thing.
It's not true that men prefer foolish women.
Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

Why do men like love at first site?
It saves them a lot of time.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to a circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men chase women when they have no intentiom of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you.
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

What is the difference men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How would save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How are men and parking slots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Do you lnow why bankers are always lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Here are the top 10 ways Women drive Men crazy
10. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
9. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.
7. Look them in the eye and start laughing. (during an intimate moment)
6. Cry.
5. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
4. Go everywhere in groups. Do nothing alone.
3. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
2. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five minutes.
Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
1. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.



How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM Machine

3. Insert card

4. Enter PIN

5. Take money out

6. Take ATM Card out

7. Drive away




How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM



1. Park the car

2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine

4. Check makeup

5. Go to ATM

6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse

7. Insert card

8. Hit Cancel

9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it

10. Insert card

11. Enter PIN

12. Take cash

13. Go to car

14. Check makeup

15. Start car

16. Stop car

17. Run back to ATM

18. Take ATM card

19. Back to car

20. Check makeup

21. Start car

22. Check makeup

23. Drive for 1/2 mile

24. Release handbrake


Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business>function.He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a>couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.


He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke
the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when

she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone,Lady, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $85.26

Hot breakfast - S2.20

Red Rose bud - $5.00

Two aspirins - $.20

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless !!


naughty mind....high expectations


It was professor smith's first day at st. Johns medical college as a
faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a
classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm
welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He
said,
"Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask
you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student
Suzie, and said,
"Tell me Suzie, which part of the
human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment,
she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a
female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight
around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could
satisfy his query. This time he located a male student Henry, who had already
raised his hand in affirmation to
answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate
answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry
but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high
!!!!!!!(10 times..........huh......MY
GOD!!)