Funnpics

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

2009-09-21T03:29:00.000-07:00

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Installing a Husband !!!!!

2009-07-28T21:35:00.000-07:00

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

· NBA 5..0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4..1 ..

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update..
· If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 ..
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

Congratulations

2008-12-05T03:59:00.000-08:00

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,

if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Funny Creatives Part IV

2008-12-05T03:57:00.000-08:00

Prostitute Parrots

2008-12-05T03:53:00.000-08:00

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"

Why girls dont love software guys?

2008-12-05T03:52:00.001-08:00

Proxy Shooting

2008-12-05T03:51:00.000-08:00

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am,' he said, I have come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -- when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes,' the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon Camera on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Disney Princesses

2008-12-05T03:48:00.000-08:00

country doctors

2008-12-05T03:47:00.000-08:00

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sickto my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on thefloor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

The Plumber on Run

2008-12-05T03:23:00.000-08:00

A man knocked the door of house. The lady opened the door.

The man said, "I am the here on the run, to fix your leaky pipe."

The Lady said, "We don't have any leaky pipe here."

The plumber on run, says, "My note reads, your house called for a Plumbing Emergency, address looks exact, Aren't you Mrs. Mathur?"

The Lady says, "No, Mathurs moved away about a year back from this house. We are Sharmas."

The plumber grimaces, "What kind of people are they, Calls for an Emergency repair and then move away."

Very Old Lover

2008-12-05T03:21:00.001-08:00

Wasted Suicide

2008-12-05T03:20:00.001-08:00

A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.

A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.

She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.

The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."

The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."

The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."

Deal Under the Table

2008-12-05T03:05:00.001-08:00

A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice.

They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.

Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.

The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.

However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.

The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."

The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."

Idiot Test

2008-12-04T01:10:00.001-08:00

Questions:

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?

7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?

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Want the Answers : ?

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ANSWERS:

1. yes (they also have a 3rd of July, a 2nd of July, etc...)
2. one a year
3. all months have (at least) 28 days
4. the beggar is the woman's sister
5. because he is living
6. 6 (3 per side)
7. no. the man would be dead
8. they are not playing each other
9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60)
10. white. (the bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole)
11. 2 (you just took 2 apples)
12. a fifty cent piece, and a nickel (one is not a nickel, but the other one is)
13. light the match first
14. half way (then he would be running out)
15. one hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more half hour)
16. 9 (all but 9 die...)
17. none. Moses was not on the ark
18. he weighs meat
19. 12
20. Bill Clinton

AMUL Taste of India

2008-12-04T00:57:00.000-08:00

Umbrella Thief

2008-12-04T00:53:00.000-08:00

A man gave all of his seven umbrellas for repair at one time and told the shopkeeper he would pick it up in the evening while back from work.

On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, got up and started walking.

The woman started yelled, "Umbrella thief, Umbrella thief."

The embarrassed guy returned the umbrella and apologized, before getting abused and beaten up by other woman loving passengers.

In the evening he picked up all his umbrellas repaired, put them under his arms and started walking towards home. Unfortunately the morning lady returning from work bumped into him.

The lady commented, "Seems, you had a profitable day at work today."

Funny Creatives Part III

2008-12-04T00:33:00.000-08:00

Riddles

2008-12-03T23:54:00.000-08:00

If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it? : A secret.

The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it? : Darkness

What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it? You can't buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library. : A telephone book.

What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets? : A chalkboard

What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen again for 4,000 years? : The year 1961 can be read upside down and that won't happen again until 6009!

What has no beginning, end, or middle? : A doughnut.

What has to be broken before it can be used? : An egg.

What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose? : Work - Employment

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick? : Only one, the last one.

What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else? : Your mind.

Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can't fill it up. What is it? : A kitchen strainer.

What goes up and never comes down? : Your age.

What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? : To cover cows.

What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and put in tarts? : Rhubarb.

What has feet and legs, and nothing else? : Stockings

What is the moon worth? : $1, because it has 4 quarters.

What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks? : A candle.

What stays where it is when it goes off? : An alarm clock

You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, 'til you call me again. What am I? : An echo

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

2008-12-03T23:53:00.001-08:00

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.

6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. Its best to have a soft place to land.

8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.

God - What a mess!!

2008-12-03T23:51:00.001-08:00

When God gave out brains,

I thought He said trains,

And I said I'd take the next one.

When God gave out looks,

I thought He said books,

And I didn't want any.

When God gave out noses,

I thought He said roses,

And I ordered a big one.

When God gave out legs,

I thought He said kegs,

So I ordered two fat ones.

When God gave out ears,

I thought He said beers,

So I ordered two long ones.

When God gave out chins,

I thought He said gins,

So I said, "Give me a double."

God, am I a mess!!

Why Wedding Dress is always WHITE

2008-12-03T23:48:00.001-08:00

Son asked his mother:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white

Fishing

2008-12-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

Difference

2008-12-03T23:26:00.001-08:00

cup of tea

2008-12-03T23:00:00.001-08:00

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?"

meaning of WIFE

2008-12-03T22:56:00.000-08:00

Three friends, one Bengali, one Punjabi and one Tamil were travelling in train. After discussing many more things - one of the friends asked, " Now please let us discuss - What is the meaning of WIFE ?"

First turn to tell the meaning of wife was Bengali. The Bengali started," Wife is like a book. Read it, read it; when you fed up keep aside it."

Next turn was of Tamilian. The Tamilian started, "Wife is like a rose. Smell it, smell it; when you fed up. through it".

Third and last turn was of Punjabi, "Wife is like a casette. Listen it, listen it; when you fed up, reverse it".

Impetuous Decision

2008-12-02T23:20:00.001-08:00

An older Desi couple having taken all their past vacations either staying at home, or at friends’ and relatives’ homes in other cities decided now to stay in a top name luxury Hotel for an experience in a resort city and to cash an off-season discount coupon.

They came to the grandiose hotel, got their room keys and Bellman started escorting them.

A door opened, Husband and wife looked at each other with a big gasp.

Desi always devised their games to get better and more return for their money. The outspoken wife with tacit consent from the husband started blasting at the Bellman.

"You know we are from India. You can't fool us. You promise grand room, great view and this room does not even have a window, I don't see any bathroom. Do we have to toilet in the lobby? You think we don't know it. We have a distant cousin running a grocery store here in town, we will stay with them. I want to talk to your manager and we want our money back’’

The bellman explained politely, “Ma'am this is not your room. This is just our elevator to take you to your room.”

Candle Blow

2008-12-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

10 reasons...

2008-12-02T23:15:00.002-08:00

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see what else is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...

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1. When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I know I can do better than THIS!!"

Indians are Indians

2008-12-02T23:15:00.001-08:00

Once a english man came to india as a tourist.

He appointed a guide for him.First the guide took the man to Taj Mahal to show him the beauty of the monument.

The english man asked "how many years did it take to build this one". The guide replied "it took about 20 full years ".............."20 years!!" said the english with a haughty voice and further said "our english men would have built in 10 yrs"......

The next day the guide took him to the 'Hawa Mahal' in Rajasthan....the english asked" how many years did it take to built this one".....

the guide replied "almost 10 years".................."10 years!!!" said the english,"our men would have built it in 5 yrs"....................

The Indian guide thought that this particular english @#*&!*&)# man is trying to insult the wonders and that's where our Indian Attitude plugs in............

The next day seeing the 'Qutub Minar' the english asked the same question..........the with astonishing look said " Oh my God.....this tower looks great it was'nt there yesterday"

Farting

2008-12-02T23:14:00.001-08:00

Windows Feature

2008-12-02T23:08:00.000-08:00

Brilliant ways! How Girls turn Guys down!!

2008-12-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Funny Creatives Part II

2008-12-02T22:58:00.001-08:00

Marriage Mix Jokes

2008-12-02T22:55:00.001-08:00

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,

she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Wife Intervention

2008-12-02T22:52:00.000-08:00

Cause of 9/11

2008-12-02T22:51:00.002-08:00

extra marital affairs

2008-12-02T22:51:00.001-08:00

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Because i am a women

2008-12-02T22:45:00.000-08:00

Because I am a woman
I am different from a man. We may look like the same species, but there are different “rules” for each of us.

Because I am a woman,
I need to spend 20 minutes outlining my lips before I put on lipstick. Even though you say I have a big mouth, my lips are too thin.

My hair is too flat/curly/dark/light/wavy. Whatever my hair looks like, I want it to be the opposite. My eyes are too small, and my skin is too blotchy.

Thus, all of the time I spent in bathroom getting ready to go out is an essential part of my routine. I need all this make-up so that other woman will think I am naturally pretty.

Because I am a woman,
I will get up at 6:30 in the morning to go shopping if the store is having a sale. It doesn’t matter that I don’t need any new clothes, there are on SALE . Besides, I have 3 kinds of clothes in my closet.

There are “fat” clothes for my PMS (that’s pre menstrual Syndrome) days, “dressy” clothes for the dancing I keep asking you to take me, and “thin” clothes, that I will never get into in again without liposuction. I will, however, keep all the “thin” clothes, because tomorrow I am going on a diet. Therefore I need exercise clothes too. It takes a lot of shopping to fill up so much closet space.

Because I am a woman,
I need many shoes. Work shoes, dress shoes, three kind of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers, open toed shoes. I need high heeled shoes mid heeled shoes, low heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe (see above).

Because I am a woman,
I will get annoyed if you come to me and announce that there is no food in the house. In all likelihood there is plenty of food. I am not falling for the trick and making you a sandwich.

However, I will stand in front of my full closet and complain that I have nothing to wear. This is not the same thing.

Because I am a woman,
I will spend hours on the phone with my friends, even if I just saw my best friend today, I need to call and tell her who is on Oprah.

Especially if it is Danzel Washington .

Because I am a woman,
I will talk about you to my friends. We will discuss your underwear, your bathroom habits, and your childhood. However, if you even mention my middle name to your friends I will be angry.

Because I am a woman,
I need to talk about “the relationship” far more than you do. I will pick the worst possible time (when your favorite soccer team Arsenal is at most scoring their 1st goal against Manchester United) and say “Hon, we need to talk“. If you ask to wait until the game is over, you will find your self sleeping on the couch.

Because I am a woman,
I will have mood swings. PMS is a medical condition. So, when I scream at you and call you an SOB and then cry and want to cuddle within an hour, I am not crazy. I am a woman.

Because I am a woman,
I have strange eating habits. I will order only salads on our first date, and lobster after we married.

I will buy candy bars and washed them down with diet soda. I will put artificial sweetener in my double _mocha latte (only served at java coffee house). And any food eaten while cooking does not count as food.

Because I am a woman,
I expect to have “girl’s night out” once in a while. If you want to go bowling with the boys, I will pout and ask why you don’t want to be with me.

I will then assume that there is a problem with the “the relationship” and will want to talk about it before you leave.

Because I am a woman,
when you invite a guys over to watch football I will make hors d’oeuvres. If you want pizza bites. If you want dip, I will shape it into a football. Woman liked shaped food.

Because I am a woman,
it is ok for me to ogle a mans butt. Especially if it is Denzel Washington. But if you so much as you turn your eyeballs in the direction of a pretty woman, I will be furious. It is not the same thing.

Because I am a woman,
I will huge a woman I hate, tell an ugly woman she looks beautiful, and ask my fat friends if they have lost weight. Therefore, if you hug me I think you want hanky panky, if you tell me I look good, I think you are lying; and if you tell me I’m not fat I will cry.

Because I am a woman,
and this the new millennium, even if I make more money than you, I still expect you to buy dinner, open doors and marmalade jars for me.

But call me “honey” and I’ll tell you that you are a sexiest pig. Unless, off course, you are Denzel Washington.

Shameless Visitor

2008-12-01T23:21:00.001-08:00

The Grandmother of a just got married American Desi phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.

The delighted Grandma Desi started giving instructions how to come to their high rise Desi colony retirement Apartment.

She started blabbering, “When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule, My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow, I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.

You will hear the pi……pi buzz. You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.

Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter. Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor. Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you."

The polite grand son said, “Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry. But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow."

The Grandma Desi yelled, “What? Shameless, you are coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?"

Amazing Creatives

2008-12-01T23:19:00.001-08:00

My Friend Circle

2008-12-01T23:14:00.000-08:00

Ballo Prasad Yadav came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Rabri, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Rabri snapped.

Memorials

2008-12-01T23:12:00.000-08:00

Super Computer

2008-12-01T23:11:00.000-08:00

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

Stress Management

2008-12-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

Todays Kids

2008-12-01T23:08:00.001-08:00

Indian - American

2008-12-01T22:59:00.000-08:00

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood;

His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.

Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.

When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man.

"I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .

The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.

Bug Spray

2008-12-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case......we will make you rich.

The salesman was delighted.

They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!

Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.

"Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?

World's Funniest Car Rally

2008-12-01T22:56:00.001-08:00

American accent

2008-12-01T22:54:00.000-08:00

An Indian lady (NRI) returned from the US to India and is window shopping in Delhi.

Suddenly she realizes she is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees a small shop on the roadside and asks in a very American accent of the sardar owner "What's the time?"

The sardar is a very patriotic man and hates desis / Indians with a foreign accent. He replies back in the same accent, "Bra-panties."

Confused the lady asks again, "No! No! What's the time?"

The sardar again answers back, in the same accent, "Bra-panties."

Seeing the confusion between the two, another sardar comes to the rescue of the lady and says, "O papaji, tusi samajh nahin paaye"" Kudi twade kol puuch rahii haigayee!!"

The angry sardar shouts back at him, "Tow main bhi to oonoo time hee bata rahan hai– barah panthis (12.35) !!!"

Oh, Those Darn Lawyers

2008-12-01T22:52:00.001-08:00

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

Two Prostitutes

2008-12-01T02:19:00.001-08:00

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00."

Perfect Images Part III

2008-12-01T02:16:00.000-08:00

drunk and a nun

2008-12-01T02:13:00.000-08:00

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Suicide Technique

2008-12-01T02:10:00.002-08:00

Cold Water

2008-12-01T02:10:00.001-08:00

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend.

He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.

He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.

The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"Clean as cold water can get it" was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

"Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!" shouted the old man from inside.

Last Painting

2008-12-01T02:06:00.000-08:00

Air Hostesses

2008-12-01T02:05:00.000-08:00

the donkey

2008-12-01T02:03:00.000-08:00

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

Generation Gap

2008-12-01T02:02:00.000-08:00

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little shit - what are you doing for the next generation?"

Important to Have Friends

2008-12-01T01:57:00.000-08:00

Funniest Joke

2008-12-01T01:51:00.001-08:00

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.

Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

Laughing Car

2008-12-01T01:46:00.000-08:00

Guess how many sheeps?

2008-12-01T01:45:00.001-08:00

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

The Movie Gavaskar

2008-12-01T01:07:00.000-08:00

When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called "Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once. With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!

He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You named your movie `Gavaskar`, but didn’t show anything about me in it!".

The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called `Border`,

but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"

santa singh's driving license

2008-11-27T23:45:00.001-08:00

Santa Singh was driving along the highway when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. The officer is Banta Singh.

Officer: May I see your licence?

Santa Singh: License? What does it look like?

Officer: Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

Santa looks around the car for a rectangular piece of object and finds a compact mirror used by his wife in the glove compartnment.

Santa Singh: Here - this is all I have!

Banta Singh opens it up and says: Oye yaar! Why didn't you tell me! I can't fine you - you're also a police officer!

Home made Tank

2008-11-27T23:44:00.001-08:00

Usage of Laptops

2008-11-27T23:40:00.001-08:00

Your Daughter is Pregnant

2008-11-27T23:39:00.000-08:00

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Perfect Images III

2008-11-27T23:37:00.001-08:00

Santa Banta

2008-11-27T23:36:00.000-08:00

Banta Singh bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

====================================
Banta Singh : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Banta Singh : No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

==========================================
Banta Singh : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Banta Singh : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

===========================================
Banta Singh : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Banta Singh : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

=========================================
Banta Singh : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Banta Singh : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again..

===========================================
Santa Singh complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Santa Singh : 'I was watching TV news...'

=========================================
Santa Singh comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

=============================================
How do you recognize a sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.

===============================================
Once Banta Singh was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on the other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.

==================================================
Banta singh was in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

===================================================
Santa Singh : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Santa Singh - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

===================================================
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Banta Singh : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

=====================================================
Santa Singh told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Santa ingh : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

Funny and Bizarre Bicycles

2008-11-27T23:34:00.001-08:00

The Taxi Driver

2008-11-27T23:28:00.000-08:00

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

Ride

2008-11-27T23:22:00.000-08:00

Natural Sclupture

2008-11-27T23:21:00.001-08:00

Brain Teaser

2008-11-27T23:14:00.000-08:00

Tests

1. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
8. How far can a dog run into the woods?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
15. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?

Results

1. All 12 have 28 days
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. Light the match first.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...
7. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses
8. Halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.
9. The time/month/date/ year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. 70
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
13. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)
14. 9 sheep
15. No. You can't marry someone if you're dead!

A different Love letter

2008-11-27T23:09:00.001-08:00

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest Reshma,

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options

(A) 10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.

**********

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

**********

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:

(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

**********

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:

(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

**********

4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:

(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

**********

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:

(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

**********

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

**********

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:

(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

**********

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

**********

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because:

(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.

**********

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.

If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..

Love, Aakash

*********************

Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........

Aakash,

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

**********

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.

You poked your nose inside..... right ?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?

(a)Yes (b) No

**********

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ?

(a) Yes (b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you.

incurably fuuny

2008-11-26T23:33:00.000-08:00

patient- please doctor help me. i have been stung by a bee.

doctor- dont worry . i will put some cream on it.

pat..-you will never find the bee. it must be miles away by now.

doc..- no no please understand. i will put some cream on the place u were stung.

pat..-oh! it happened in the garden where i was sitting under a tree.

doc..- u #$%&! i mean in which part of the body did the bee sting.

pat..- it stung me on my finger.

doc..- which one?

pat..-how am i to know? all the bees look the same to me

Unusual Friendship

2008-11-26T23:30:00.000-08:00

Halloween Special

2008-11-26T23:21:00.001-08:00

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another false one and stayed put. But he suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Hehehehe... Wish you a Happy Halloween!!

Perfect Angle II

2008-11-26T23:18:00.001-08:00

MEXICAN DELICACY

2008-11-26T23:17:00.000-08:00

An american was touring Mexico. After his day's sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?"

The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."

Rehearsal

2008-11-26T23:16:00.001-08:00

A blonde, June, goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl, June, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down inbetween your legs, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONLY ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!' .

From where google brought logo for chrome

2008-11-26T23:12:00.000-08:00

AN ESSAY ON COW

2008-11-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child.He is same like God,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

"This is the cow."
*******

This is the essay on "The Cow" which was (supposedly) written by one Bihari Student in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Services Examination" :-)

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.*******

i-phone Review

2008-11-26T22:38:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not!!!

2008-11-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

Nearly 14 crore people visit this page every day

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Please try the following:
Click the Refresh button, or try again later.
If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly.
To check your connection settings, click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Connections tab, click Settings. The settings should match those provided by your local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet service provider (ISP).
See if your Internet connection settings are being detected. You can set Microsoft Windows to examine your network and automatically discover network connection settings (if your network administrator has enabled this setting).
1. Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options.
2. On the Connections tab, click LAN Settings .
3. Select Automatically detect settings , and then click OK.
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If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Security section and check settings for SSL 2.0 , SSL 3.0, TLS 1.0, PCT 1.0.
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Bulls Head

2008-11-25T23:40:00.001-08:00

Learn to Shut up!

2008-11-25T23:39:00.000-08:00

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.

She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!

I want this....

2008-11-25T23:34:00.000-08:00

MIND YOUR "ASS" ONLY

2008-11-25T23:33:00.000-08:00

The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the raceagain, and it won again.

The local paper read : PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered thepastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read : BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid ofthe donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The localpaper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day : NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid ofthe donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paperread : NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back thedonkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day theheadlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer ! Have a great day!

Perfect Angle

2008-11-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

Famous Quotes

2008-11-25T23:27:00.000-08:00

It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids,"As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. O.K.,
Who said four score and seven years ago?"

Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
"Yes, Johnny?"

But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
"Very good, Lucy, you may go home now."

Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote,
"Who said I have a dream.."

Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King."
"Very good, Mary, you may go home now."

At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?"
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK"
"Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now."

Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
"Who said that?"asked the teacher.
"Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"

Clinton`s secret box

2008-11-25T23:26:00.001-08:00

Bill & Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th Anniversary. All 25 years Bill has kept a large box under his side of the bed. He asked Hillary never to look in his box, and so she obeyed. But, on the morning of their 25th, she couldn`t stand the suspense any longer. She opened the box and there were three empty beer cans and $1800 cash. She closed the box and put it back.

At dinner, she looks to Bill and says, "Bill, I never looked in your box all 25 years, but I had to look today. The suspense was killing me. Though, I`m confused. Why three beer cans and $1800?"

He looks at her a few moments then tells her. "Hillary, every time I was unfaithful to you, I kept an empty beer can."

Hillary still looks puzzled." Ok Bill, I know the three times you were unfaithful. I`m hurt but that`s over with, But why $1800?"

Bill says," Well, every time the box got full, I went to recycling and kept the money."

Innocence at Its Best

2008-11-25T23:06:00.000-08:00

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell ?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

"You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

New X-Ray Machine

2008-11-25T23:03:00.000-08:00

Milk

2008-11-25T23:02:00.000-08:00

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a whitemustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."

Darling

2008-11-25T22:58:00.001-08:00

Husband :Darling, my sweet heart I will be enjoying this sunday

Wife: How

Husband: I bought three tickets for the movie

Wife: thats great, but we are two, why you bought three tickets ???

Husband: Darling one for you, one for your mother and one for your brother !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Baby Quiz

2008-11-25T00:37:00.000-08:00

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Rocking Bridge

2008-11-25T00:36:00.000-08:00

Circle Flies

2008-11-25T00:34:00.000-08:00

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."